Remembering A Garden part 1
by Jajuka
Summary: When Deyulius from Broadest Way goes to the Good Magician Humfry for help, he's sent on a service to a whole new dimension!!!!


Chapter 1

Remembering a Garden ] Andrew W. Mowers

Chapter 1:

Deyulius

The wash woman went about there work in a human community. They gossiped about everything they could think of but the topic kept switching back onto the same subject.

"If I 'ad my way I'd 'ave 'im out and 'ung!" one proclaimed to another.

"Maria, I tell you if he comes within one thousand feet of me _or my daughter_ again, I'll shove a can-non into his house and blast it full of aluminum!" the other replied. 

They went round in a circle proclaiming what should be done to stop him from violating the Adult Conspiracy again.

The problem was, Deyulius didn't know he was violating the Conspiracy. In fact, he didn't know there was a Conspiracy to violate! What harm could kissing a young attractive human female do? Was that violating it at all?

The people of the town also saw another problem in him, which was of course his talent to make inventions that weren't only stupidly aggravating, but useless. Today he even approached the washing woman and offered something to "make their lives easier."

"What is it?" one had asked looking at the contraption. 

"It's a Washing-Meshing." Deyulius said proudly.

"A what?" 

"It's a Washing-Meshing." He repeated.

"Oh, it looks like a box to me." The washing woman replied smartly, causing the others to giggle.

"What's it do?"

"Well, you see, you take the clothes, and put them in the top like this, alright? Then you close the lid and push 'start.'" Deyulius walked about putting in some dirty garments that really did need washing.

"Well?" the washerwoman asked, getting the slightest bit intrigued of having the Washing-Meshing do all their work for them.

"Well," he replied shrugging. "You wait until you hear the little bell on the side ring, then you take it out and…"

"Oh dear!" a woman cried.

"Not only does it wash the clothes, it covers them in the finest mesh available!" he held up some trousers that were glittering so much in there metal covered state it was all the washerwoman could do but to clothes their eyes.

"Dear me that would ever do." Maria said thinking back on the haphazard. "How could someone be so dumb?"

"Oh, I'm sure he tries dear." A nice younger girl named Martha said dreamily. The woman exchanged one twentieth of a glance before deciding to inquire about her far off gaze.

"And uh, what were you doing after lunch sweet little innocent child?" a woman named Mandy asked softly.

"Kissing Deyulius." She said still far off.

"That boy is crazy!" Mandy stood up shouting in horror.

"Possessed." Another agreed.

"Fanatic!" Maria commented sourly.

"Passionate…" Martha swooned.

"You my dear girl have fallen for a very poor choice of a man!" someone named Matilda said snottily. 

"Why, what ever do you mean?" Martha demanded blankly. She was obviously not familiar to Deyulius' ways.

"He'll love you one day," Maria said grimacing.

"And be gone the next!" Matilda continued.

"Only to be found on another girls lap!" some woman Martha had never seen before proclaimed. The washwoman seemed to be delighted in the way they'd put it, and got back to work. Martha didn't believe them, but didn't say so in fear they would do what people did best here: Break out in song and dance. The little town was called the "Broadest Way," if that had any significance at all; it had none she could fathom. 

Deyulius in the mean time (it was called that everyday at four when all the clocks got grouchy about how stupid the position of the hands looked) was working on something new. It was what he hoped would be his best invention yet!

He grabbed a bar of chalk a' lot and broke off a nice piece of chalk from the bar. He started to write on it and was amazed at its progress. It worked, it really worked!

He grabbed it and ran out to see the mayor, who unfortunately was in the middle of a town presentation of the weekly speech. It wasn't quite the same considering all the governing members did a synchronized dance to the rhyming lecture. It the finally everyone was allowed to join in if they knew the moves and would get them good ratings.

Unfortunately Deyulius took this to be his big opportunity.

He jumped up on stage and took the microphone from the mayor during his grand solo.

"What's the mean ing of this?" the mayor demanded.

"I have a break through in my inventions!" Deyulius cried.

The entire young women were over joyed that their lover was so smart. They oozed onto the stage (not to slowly either!) and surrounded him so that when they left he was covered in all shades of pink lip marks. They crowd was rustled. 

"Listen, I have here something of importance to the population here!" he cried. They decided listening couldn't hurt.

"This here is a genuine fully operational Black Board." He said triumphantly. "You take your section of chalk and write down who you want to talk to." He did so as he explained. He scribbled down the name of Average mean. The Black Board turned all sorts of colors and finely ended up with the picture of a member of the Black Wave.

"Yes?"

"How were the ratings on the meeting just now?" he asked, knowing it was being broad casted live all around Xanth.

"Good until you showed up."

"What?" Deyulius asked shocked.

"Even the Curse Fiends are disturbed by your interruption. The ratings dropped down so low only I and two other people in Xanth are watching." Average answered.

"Why?" he asked Average Mean. "What's so wrong?"

"Nobody likes commercials kid." He smirked and the connection was cut.

He looked around at everyone.

They glared evilly back.

"It, it works though, right?" he asked. "It could be useful in the near future."

"What did you think you were doing?" the mayor asked creeping closer towards him.

"I, I just thought I'd help, that's all." Deyulius said quietly. He realized that the mayor was herding him towards the edge of the stage where the audience would pull him down and beat him unconscious. The only people who were in tears were his many "lovers."

"You go around with all the girls, ruin our environment with your stupid, pointless inventions, and you CAN'T EVEN SING A NOTE, ON KEY!" the mayor leaped to push him into the civilians grasp below, but Deyulius expecting this readily stepped aside. The mayor screamed as he flew over himself and the unexpecting people started to pound on him.

This was not the best thing to happen to him, Deyulius realized. He was in trouble, not only with the producers, but with his own neighbors themselves.

It was awhile later when the officials finally came to his house with an announcement.

"You will either be forced to leave Broadest Way, or go to the Good Magician and ask him how to make you not so stupid." They told him the moment he answered the door.

"Oh." He said staring at them blankly. "Well, uh, won't you come in and have some tea?"

He rather soon after that (the officials did not stay in fear of their lives) found himself packing some food for his trip, or at least till he found the closest pie tree. Then he was off on his way to go and find the good magician.

He walked a long way and passed the bubbling Gum River. It was a nice little river and its water tasted original. He then came upon a pie tree the next day and got rid of his old pies in exchange for new ones. They tasted much better to his appeal, and were filled with some tangy nuts and bolts. He traveled for so long after that, that he wondered if he was even going the right direction. It turned out he was for he then came (a week later) to the front of the castle.

Outside was a Secret airy. She was blonde and stared at him blankly until he finally spoke up.

"Um, are you the receptionist of the Good Magician?" he inquired.

"?" She asked.

It frightened him for he had never heard someone speak a question mark before. He regained composure and tried again.

"Do you work here?"

"."

"Do you work?"

"!"

"Do you only speak in punctuation?"

"Normally." She replied ending in the word "Like" to the thirtieth power.

"What do you do?" he asked.

"I'm a Secret keeper." She replied airily.

"Is that so, and how can anyone trust such a ninny like you with his or her darkest dankest dirtiest secrets?" he asked leaning closer on her desk.

"Giggle."

He pushed himself away with a look of fear and disgust on his face.

"So how do you keep these secrets?" he questioned.

"…"

"Where are they?" he tried again at her blank stare.

"Oh, I keep them in my airy!" she said as if that made all the sense in the world. It might have if Deyulius had had any clue what an "airy" was.

"What is your airy?" he asked.

""""

"What was that?" he asked her confused.

""""

"Oh!" he exclaimed. "Your airy's! You mean quotation marks!"

"Dear, I'm very sorry, I didn't want to be mean." She said sadly.

"Think nothing of it, we all get a bit short with people at times." He waved to apoligy aside.

"You didn't accept it!" she moaned watching it blow away in the wind.

"I have one of my own sorry." He answered to her remark.

"But it's not right to let mine go like that, oh it could take hours to find." She huffed.

"I think those were the first words you said that made any sense in the whole of Xanth!" he exclaimed.

"?"

"I'll go find it for you." He said sweetly.

"Oh you will? Thank you!"

He went away from the Secret airy and walked back into the woods where he had come from. It had to be in here somewhere. Who would know where it was hidden? It could be anywhere.

"Ow!" he cried bumping into something as tall as his waist.

"You called?" the Secret airy asked.

"Well how about that?" he exclaimed. Her desk had moved in front of his path for some reason, maybe she could help find her apoligy.

"Do you know where it is?" he asked her.

"Yes, but I'm not allowed to help you because this is your challenge." She said quietly so no one would hear.

"My challenge?" he asked confused. "Why do I have a challenge?"

"You have to pass off three of them, Humfrey doesn't like it when people come to ask questions because they're to lazy to get the answer himself. If you can pass all three challenges he'll know you're heart is intent and answer your question."

"Lazy…" Deyulius said.

"Uh oh." The Secret airy had realized she had helped him.

"If your secrets lie in your quotes then every time you speak you reveal a piece of one." He stated catching onto how to get past this challenge. "We're talking about your apoligy, so maybe your apoligy is secretly lazy because it's been used so many times."

She fumed that he was catching on.

"So it must be right where we started out I supposed." He walked around the desk and back to the grassy spot in front of the castle. There he scanned around looking for anything that could look like an insincere apoligy. He then spotted it sleeping under a pillow bush.

"Oh no!" the Secret airy cried. "Look at my apology, it's been spotted!" her desk moved with her towards where it slept. It now had an ugly pinkish brown colored circle in it.

"Serves it right!" he said without much care.

"Well now, is this challenge finished?" he asked looking around.

"!" The Secret airy said at the very thought of the idea.

"What now?" he asked.

"I have yet to have my apoligy as my own again!" she exclaimed in annoyance.

"Well don't be so stupid!" he screeched at her. Then he remembered she still was airy. "Anyone knows that to have an apoligy you must except it!"

"Oh." She said sulkily. The apoligy woke up at Deyulius' screeching and yawned. It then looked up and saw the Secret airy and looked extremely excited to see her again. Every person on Xanth knew it was all an apoligy wanted to be had and excepted.

"Yes I'll except you." The Secret airy smiled the apoligy glided back into her arms. Then she turned to Deyulius. "How can I thank you, I got my apoligy back."

"Well, you did help me." He said bashfully.

"Don't let the Good Magician know about that." She said in a whisper not even a whisper could here.

"I promise I won't." Deyulius winked.

"You know," the Secret airy said. "You're kind of cute."

"!" Deyulius laughed.

"Now I can talk like you!" he smiled and looked at her lovingly. "I…"

She was gone.

He shrugged to himself and moved on. 

He was outside on a brick paved patio. It was very cloudy and not a hint on the sky showed. Deyulius was rather disappointed for the sky's hints always lead to the answer of a naughty mystery.

He looked around him a noticed that he was quite suddenly surrounded by a hedge maze. He grimaced and started through it, obviously it was his second challenge.

Soon after he had entered into the maze he came apon a giant pig. He tried to avoid it, but everywhere he turned lead to the hideous pig thing. Finally he walked up to it and introduced himself.

"Hello, my name is Deyulius the Human. I am here on my quest to see the good magician. May I pass this way which you are lying across."

"No." it stated importantly.

"No?" Deyulius asked bewildered. "But you're taking up so much space!"

"Of course I am." It said matter of factly. "I'm the Hedge Hog."

"That does explain you're hogging the path, but shouldn't you be a Path Hog then?" Deyulius inquired.

"Huh?" it stared stupidly back at him.

"Okay, never mind. May I pass if I give you something else to hog?"

"No." it replied importantly.

"No, But why?" Deyulius asked bewildered.

"Because," the Hedge Hog said. "Then I wouldn't be a Hedge Hog would I?"

"I suppose not." Deyulius stated trying to discover the way around the stupid Hedge Hog.

"Then what can I do to get you out of my way?" he continued.

"Nothing." It said importantly.

"Nothing?" Deyulius asked bewildered, "we seem to be going in a circle." He noted.

"Of course, we're hogging all of the words that we say, so we only have a limited expression to state the words!" It said importantly.

"I don't understand." He stated bewildered.

"You wouldn't."

"If you're hogging words does that make you a word hog also?" Deyulius inquired.

"I would suppose so," it said importantly.

"Then you wouldn't be a Hedge Hog, no, would you?"

The Hedge Hog was horrified at this fact. 

"You won't tell anyone I was changing over from one job to another. I promise I'll never do it again!" the Hedge Hog moaned.

"Well, I suppose if I can get past." Deyulius suggested.

"No." it said importantly.

"No?" Deyulius asked bewildered. "Why in heaven's name not?"

"I wouldn't be doing my job then, would I?" the Hedge Hog asked him.

"Well, no, but I see no other way around." He stated.

"Just turn and walk the other way." The Hedge Hog said importantly.

"That's all?" Deyulius asked bewildered. "Are you sure?"

"No." it said importantly.

"I see this isn't going anywhere." He yelled at it and promptly spun on his heel and started to walk away.

After some time wandering about he realized that the paths were leading away from the Hedge Hog and to a very abrupt dead end.

"This is stupid, the Hedge Hog is obviously guarding the exit." He mumbled under his breath. Then he came to a notion while he came to the dead end.

"Maybe I'm not looking for the pun here, and the entrance is right in front of me." He contemplated. He looked at the hedge wall in front of him.

"Of course!" he laughed. "It's a dead end-trance!" He reached out and grabbed a protruding branch from the wall and twisted it. It end-ed up to be the doorknob.

He walked through. Ha! So much for the second task being so hard. But the problem was his third task, which he was still nervous about, but if it were harder then the others would he be able to get by it all right?

He wasn't sure but closed the door behind him and looked about. He was in a tunnel made of glass with many different decapitated people on display wearing scant clothing.

"Oh!" he cried in excitement. "I understand, this is a shopping mall!" he smiled at his smartness. But what horrid stuff was that there on the fake people in the windows?

"Hmmm." He mused. "I'd better find my way out of here fast!"

"Not too fast!" a feminine voice called to him.

"Who are you?" he asked turning around to see a woman carrying hundreds of overly stuffed shopping bags.

"I'm Mom." She called. "Could you help me with these things honey?" she asked him with pleading eyes.

"Of course." He smiled and grabbed an eighth of what she was carrying, but she seemed to manage the rest rather easily.

"Oh yes, thank you, that's much better." She sighed to herself. "Can you carry these to my car? It's covered in feathers and the license plate reads 'Dinal.'"

Car-dinal. It wasn't to surprising; the Cardinals here were rather big and could carry all of Mom's gross-eries.

"Gross!" a child called as the loaded all of Mom's items onto the giant bird.

"Don't be rude Peter, we have a guest." Mom demanded.

"Oh no, Mom. I can't possibly stay with you. I have to pass my third challenge." Deyulius protested.

"Oh don't be so shy dear!" she said smiling. "This _is_ your third task. Adult Conspiracy matters too!" she added nodding as if that made sense.

"What's that?" Deyulius demanded in confusion.

"Oh sweetie, you know when you can't swear?" Mom suggested.

"Like an oath?" he queried.

"No, like the stork summoning matters."

"I don't understand." He said after a pause shaking his head.

"This could be a problem. You'll have to see the Good Magician for a better explanation. I can't really do so with Peter around." She whispered pointing to her son on the back or the big bird.

"What are you whispering about Mom?" he asked loudly.

"Nothing dear, and I don't want to hear any bleeping while Mister, uh… What is your name sweet?" Mom asked Deyulius.

"It's Deyulius." He answered. "Pronounced Dee-yule-ee-us."

"Oh, of course." Mom smiled. Deyulius wondered if she even knew what Yule was. "While Mister Deyulius stays here Peter there will be no bleeping at any account!"

"Bleep." The child stated under his breath.

"Don't think I didn't hear that son." Mom called angrily.

"But Mom, it wasn't on a count!" he whined.

"It surely was, that was your fiftieth and one-twelfth swear word today!" Mom demanded. "I'm always on the count matters!"

"Look, I don't wan-" Deyulius started but Mom and Peter interrupted him with a cry of "Where? Where?" After a while they settled down and called him back to what he was saying.

"I don't want to be any trouble." He said nervously.

"Oh you're no trouble at all." Mom said sweetly.

"But everyone in my home of Broadest Way says I'm always trouble." He insisted.

"Except your Mom, and I am your temporary Mom now. So, let's get home and take on this third challenge head first?" Mom exclaimed. Deyulius couldn't do any more opposing, so finally climbed onto the Cardinal and they took of, Mom driving them through the air. It seemed the Cardinal had a steering wheel sticking out of its back, along with seat belts and rear view mirrors.

"Are you sure this is safe?" Deyulius questioned nervously as the wind tossed his hair about.

"Oh sure, we had everything fixed after Jon got lost." Mom said off handedly.

"Jon?" Deyulius was horrified. "Who's Jon?"

"Oh you wouldn't know pumpkin, he's been dead since the last crash. Flew right out of his seat. I swear, I've never seen someone plummet so fast!" Mom replied. Deyulius tightened his seat belt.

"So, was Jon you're husband?" he asked shyly, not wanting to upset his Mother. 

"Good gracious no!" she laughed kindly. "Jon was Peter's baby sitter. That's what you're third challenge will be: babysitting while I go out for an instant and tow moments." Mom said. Then after a long pause, "Sometimes I wonder if Jon jumped off or it was the crash." Deyulius got a sick feeling in his gut, like maybe Peter was a cereal killer.

"So are you on service Mom?" he stammered.

"Yes, I came to ask Humfrey who was the perfect babysitter to watch my little honey bun. He said I would find them in my serving time, and they would be willing to do the job." Mom called back to him.

Well, thought Deyulius, at least that's a point against me!

They flew on till they came to a cottage in the woods near the shopping mall; the Cardinal flew towards it and landed in the diveway. They all then got out and went inside.

To Deyulius' surprise, in was decorated will wallflower paper. Very pretty, but expensive.

"Have some cheese." Mom said giving him a plate of the delicacy.

"Thanks Mom." He replied warmly and took a piece of the cheese. He bit into it and immediately spat it out.

"Mom!" he cried. "This cheese tastes like chimney smoke and bricks!"

"Oh, darling, I forgot you're not accustom to home made Cottage Cheese. Much more real then that processed stuff Com Pewter sells." She said happily. She handed him a napkin to give him some sleep, then took the cheese away.

When he woke it was evening, Mom was in a beautiful Out Skirt from the desert, and was leaving with a man who was undoubtedly Dad.

"We'll be back soon, watch Peter and make sure you have plenty to defend yourself with!" Mom said as she left with Dad. Deyulius could have gone without the last remark.

"Hi." Peter said standing in the doorway.

"Hi," Deyulius said after a long moment. "Uh, are you hungry?"

"No, Mom just made dinner, you snore." He commented.

"That's good to know." Deyulius said in annoyance. This boy wasn't doing anything to help him like the kid.

"So what do you want to do?" he inquired.

"Talk about the Adult Conspiracy." Peter said excitedly.

"Um, okay. I don't really know what it is, so maybe you could tell me." Deyulius shrugged.

"Okay, I know all about it!" Peter cried with glee. "I stole the Muse's Big Book of the Adult Conspiracy to Keep Interesting Things From Children!"

No wonder Mom told him to have some things to defend him. This kid was something to read even the title of that book. All of the Muse's books were secretive, so Deyulius didn't even know this book existed till just then!

Peter dived into a full detailed description of what adults did and everything was in detail. Children eighteen and younger couldn't even swear!

"But you can, right?" Peter demanded with interest.

"Uh, I suppose." Deyulius replied a tad smidgit embarrassed.

"Show me." Peter said excited. Deyulius blushed.

"I can't." he said after a moment of turning red. "I was taught that swearing was bad." He said nervously.

"Where are you from?" Peter asked understandingly.

"Broadest Way." 

"Broadest Way! They wouldn't teach you things like that there!" Peter cried.

"Some people _do _have morals there you know." Deyulius said crankily.

"Bleep!" Peter said angrily.

After that Deyulius and Peter ate Eyescream and peter went to sleep. Good, Deyulius thought. Now all I have to do is wait for Mom to get home.

He was about to go to sleep himself when he heard something creaking, then the light bulbs went out.

"What now?" he demanded.

An evil laughter came and a figure carrying a butcher knife walked down the stairs, posed for the kill. It walked near him and raised the knife.

"MOM!" he screeched at the top of his longs. The figure hesitated and suddenly the lights turned on as Mom busted in.

"Peter!" She demanded angrily. "What are you doing?"

"I was only joking…" Peter mumbled tossing the knife aside, landing perfectly in the heart of a portrait. Dad came in at the same moment and saw it.

"Dear me son!" He yelled forcefully. "Not again!"

"Peter's talent is being the top criminal around." Mom explained.

"You might have told me that before so at least I would know I might have been murdered!" Deyulius screamed. Then he calmed down. "I'm sorry Mom," he said at her sad face. "I guess I'm not the perfect one for the job. I know that if Humfrey say's you'll find him or her, you will, and before that child does any severe damage.

"Thank you, now you must go on to the next stage." She smiled and waved.

"Nest stage?" Deyulius demanded, but they were gone.

He glanced about him and saw those scantly dressed headless people again. Come to think of it they had no arms either! He was back in the Shopping mall, right where he started.

He walked until he came to a store called the Handstand. Inside was a sales clerk.

"Hello," he said. "May I help you?"

"I'm not sure." Deyulius stuttered. Then after a moments thought asked him "Shouldn't you be upside down?"

"What?" the clerk demanded.

"Well, I just thought this was a Handstand and so…"

"Oh!" the clerk laughed. "No, it's a Hand Stand. We sell helping hands to those in need of help. I'm the Handy Man."

"Oh really, is that so?" Deyulius did his best not to sound sarcastic, but he was getting tired of all these stupid puns!

"What can I get you other then an attitude hand to help with your attitude?" the Handy Man asked cheerily.

"Something to help me get past the third challenge." Deyulius suggested. 

"Of course." The Handy Man smiled.

He led Deyulius to a shelf holding a bunch of dismembered

Hands.

"Ewww!" Deyulius made a face and fit a good three "W's" into the Eww.

"These are escape hands. They'll take you out of here and into Humfrey's castle." The Handy Man said.

"Great, I'll take one of those." Deyulius said greedily.

"What do I get in return?" the Handy Man asked slyly. Deyulius thought.

"I could get you a job on stage. After all I live in Broadest Way." He suggested. The Handy Man's eye's bugged out.

"Really? I always wanted to be on Broadest Way." He sighed putting a hand in a bag for Deyulius.

Deyulius left the Hand Stand and took the hand out of the bag. It jumped to the ground and began to scuttle away on its pointer and middle fingers.

"Hey!" Deyulius cried running after it. "Come back!"

The hand lead him to the top floor (other then the roof) of the Shopping mall then stopped. The floor was tiled with gigantic squares. Deyulius stopped in the center of the giant story. It had no stores in it and was barren and echoed.

Then the tile he was on started to glow and the scenery around him changed. The Helping Hand waved good bye then he was in the castle.

"Hello, I'm Wira." A woman said kindly.

"Where am I?" he asked.

"Humfrey's castle of course." She said smiling. "I'm his daughter in law."

"Oh I'm sorry I didn't recognize it, of course." He smiled. "How did I get here?"

"You were on the depart-ment floor. Do you understand that?" She asked concerned.

"I may in time, I suppose." He sighed.

"You have all the time in the world. The Magician is ready to see you."

They ventured down the hall and Deyulius had a thought that the real adventure and struggle hadn't even begun yet.

Chapter 2: 

Bow-Kay

After a quick little wait Wira came back to Deyulius where he sat and informed him that Humfrey was quite aware of his presence and ready to see him about his question.

Wira led Deyulius down an almost pitch black corridor and he was amazed at how easily she moved about in it.

"I can barely take two steps without stumbling, how is it you can see so well?" he inquired. "Have you been this way often?"

"I have been this way many times. There are always a few people a day who have to be led to the Good Magician's study. And I don't see, I am blind." Wira replied. Deyulius turned red from embarrassment about his stupid question. He should have guessed that! 

"Oh. I'm sorry." He said after an awkward pause.

"Don't be, I'm not." She turned and smiled at him. He could just make out the action in what sparse light they had. "Here is the Magician's door, I will tell him you are outside." She went in and after a moment the Good Magician himself opened the door and demanded him to get inside and stop wasting his time.

"I'm sorry." Deyulius said.

"Why? Did you break anything valuable out there?" Humfrey demanded suspiciously.

Deyulius hadn't seen anything on the side of the door he'd just came in through, and if it were there, he wouldn't have been able to find it.

"No, I didn't." he said suddenly.

"Then don't apologize if you haven't done anything!" he grouched.

He hoped onto a chair and looked over a desk of fine workmanship at him.

"Well what do you want?" he demanded. 

Deyulius didn't know what to do. So this was the good magician, huh? He couldn't believe it! He seemed so mean and impatient, but so grand (in his gnome-like way). It was also too much for him to take in that he was in the castle. He realized he had forgotten his question!

"Well, I haven't got an eon!" he stated just as annoyed as before.

_What should I ask?_ He thought. _Maybe I could ask how to not be stupid. Wasn't I supposed to ask why I was so stupid? Am I stupid at all?_ He wondered.

"Well hurry up, surely you know your question or else you wouldn't have come all this way!"

Deyulius shrugged and asked in a panic of being banished before he asked _anything_: "Am I stupid?"

The Good Magician stared at him in bewilderment. A youth traveling all this way to ask whether he was an idiot? It was stupid to him yes.

"You are not stupid." He answered finally still wondering if that's what he really wanted to know. "And you've asked your question and cannot take it back. You will get your answer and perform a year's service for me. After that you may come back and ask what you really desire, not what your idiot townspeople want. You are an intelligent human being with a very desirable talent to most people who can recognize what it really is. You're very clever and are not as said before, stupid. Does that settle that?" Humfrey asked the youth.

To Deyulius it just seemed like he read a biography of him but hadn't really given an answer.

"No Sir, I don't feel that answer was clear." He said.

Humfrey leaned far over the desk and cried out in his face "YOU ARE NOT STUPID! IS THAT BLUNT ENOUGH FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND? IF NOT THEN I THINK YOU REALLY MIGHT BE STUPID AFTER ALL!" He then sat back calmly as if nothing had happened.

"Now," he continued, "Your service to me. I will contact Fiera to guide you. She does owe me the service from a favor I did for her."

"Guide me where?" Deyulius asked puzzled.

"To Wrong Way." He said as if he should have guessed.

"Oh. Of course."

"There you will have to travel to the remembering garden and I'm not sure from there on." Humfrey said like it didn't matter.

"Why am I going there? To go to a garden?" 

"No! To save the world Wrong Way!" Humfrey said like he should have guessed this also. Deyulius nodded.

"So what is this Wrong Way?" he asked.

"It is a land like Xanth, but flip flopped, where as Xanth faces west, Wrong Way in the exact same shape faces east. Therefore, it is called Wrong Way." Humfrey lit a little pipe and started puffing. "You see, Wrong Way is a place of Xanth in it's self. It was just discovered to be what Xanth would be in another dimension. So things are pretty much the same but in a whole different aspect.

"So what's its significance?" Deyulius asked. 

Humfrey sat up. "It was also discovered to be connected to Xanth in one area. Our elements are related. The leader of Fire there is Fiera's brother. And all the elements there are related to the element rulers here. Therefore if something bad happens to that dimension of Xanth…."

"It could happen here as well. And is the connection between Wrong Way and Xanth growing?" Deyulius asked.

"Not so far, but a major event could change all of that." Humfrey replied.

"So what will I be doing?" he asked.

"There are ten rulers of Wrong Way. Each rules over a single thing. Air, water, fire, and earth of course are among them. So are time, space, weather, spirit, day, and night. They each have never seen each other, but they have to all congregated together in order to save us all. You will pose as the leader of Air, who has agreed to let you be in his place for one year."

"Why me, can't he do what you need?" Deyulius demanded in shock.

"There are reasons that cannot be explained at the moment." Humfrey said. "Now, you will take on the life of Masque Deyulius.

"What?"

"It's quite simple. You will use your name and such, because they don't know those either. Now, you will dress like him, act like him and use your talent as if he would. The leaders are all anonymous but everyone knows what they do. Because of this you must not make one mistake. The title Masque means something like 'King' or 'Queen' of. Now, are you ready?"

"Why am I there again?"

"To get to the remembering garden!"

"Why?"

"Because it is the only thing that can stop the dark force from-"

"That's what you missed telling me! Okay. Sure, stop the evil king from taking over and get to this forgetful garden." Deyulius said happily.

"Not the forgetful garden!" Humfrey was in panic. "The remembering _the remembering_!" 

"Oh, of course. Now is there something else I should know?"

"You'll have wings as the Masque of the Air."

"So I can fly?"

"No, you are going to keep your talent until you meet the guide."

"So I won't fly."

"Not until you met our guide who will met you at Top to 

Bottom." Humfrey repeated.

"Well, okay I suppose. Okay, how do I get there? When do I leave?"

"Not quite yet. There is still much you need to know." The Good Magician informed him.

"Like what, this should be easy!" he demanded.

"One of the ten Masque's is the leader of the dark force taking over. They will need to be exposed. Also we will give you a device that you can communicate through on progress, and we will alter your talent just a smiget."

Deyulius looked as Humfrey twisted a hand in the air and felt something like a cold knot form inside him. It made him momentarily queasy, but soon he regained composure.

"What did you do?" he demanded in horror.

"I temporarily twisted about your talent to help you in your quest." The Good magician exclaimed impatiently.

Fiera of the Region of Fire burst in suddenly, with one of Humfrey's many wives trailing after her telling her to wait until he was notified she had come.

"What is it?" she demanded hotly.

Humfrey explained about how she was going to tag along with Deyulius in Wrong Way. She didn't look too pleased and wasn't the slightest more happy when he mentioned her brother.

"But he'll recognize me and we'll be failed!" she said irately. 

"Of course, that's where the costumes come in." Humfrey continued without realizing she was repulsed at the whole thing.

"I'm not wearing that!" she exclaimed almost fainting as they brought out what looked like a wad of dirty…dirt, as a matter of fact.

"You will be the Masque's servant Permildagard." Humfrey said inventing the name at the top of his head.

"I will not be called that!" Fiera said indignantly as they wrestled her into the clothes. Deyulius watched with interest.

"Now," the good Magician went to his desk and brought out a small dusty box. He blew of the dust bunnies, which hopped away annoyed at being disturbed. When they had left Humfrey tapped the top of the box and exclaimed, "Open."

The lid flung itself across the room suddenly smacking Deyulius right on the face at such force; he fell down and banged the back of his head on the wall.

Fiera wasn't much help. She might as well have been a Demoness the way she laughed at him. Humfrey as usual didn't seem to notice.

"Now," he said rising a giant mass of K's out from the small box (Deyulius wondered how it fit in there), "This is very important, do not lose it."

"How could anyone lose such a large gaudy thing as that?" Fiera asked tapping her foot, ready to go.

"This is a Bow Kay." The Good Magician informed them. "It's what we will be able to communicate through when you arrive there. If you lose it, you're on your own. Now, just tie it into a big bushy bow over your shoulder Fiera, and, yes, now don't you look lovely?"

Fiera didn't seem to agree considering her hair had burst into Fire.

"Yes dear," said the Good Magician smiling. "As long as you keep that away from the flowers." He brushed her hair away without getting burned.

"Now, I think you're almost ready to go, just one more thing." The Magician rubbed his chin with a hand then smiled. "That's it, of course." He went and brought them a present wrapped in luminous green paper and polka dotted purple ribbon.

"Do not open it until you get to Top," the pointed down. "To Bottom." He pointed up.

"Don't you mean," Fiera started but Humfrey cut her off.

"Fiera, I know what I mean, now, get off to the Regions of Air, Water, and Earth." He waved them out.

"And fire!"

"And fire."

They left the castle and Fiera took out a back-flip-pack and loaded the present inside. Before she could put it on, though, it jumped out of her hands and back flipped back to where they had come from.

"Ooohh," Fiera said menacingly, She stomped back after it and found Wira outside holding it. How she got it, Fiera had no idea. She grabbed it hotly and marched away, Wira calling Good luck to her back.

Deyulius was smiling at her when Fiera came into view. 

"What!" she snapped annoyed at his smirk.

"Nothing, just…nothing." He repeated.

She grumbled the rest of the two days it took for them to reach her Region, then they had to pass through to go and see the Region of Air.

"And she's the farthest one away!" she demanded. "I bet she knew this would happen and planned it like that!" 

"I'm sure she had no control over the geography." Deyulius said reasonably.

They passed over the Region of Fire and moved on towards the Region of Earth.

"Oh. What are you two doing here?" Alanda asked bordly.

"We're passing through, isn't it obvious!" Fiera demanded angrily. "Now, may we cross over to the Region of Air?"

"I suppose…" she said thinking, as though she'd never done that before, then smiled. "What will you do for me?"

"Alanda, this is no time for exchange favors. We're off to save Wrong Way." Deyulius said impatiently.

"Who are you?" she asked, noticing him for the first time.

"My name is Deyulius the Human, from Broadest Way." He informed her. She practically danced.

"Ooooh!" she said fitting in a good four "O's". "I'll tell you what, get me a ticket to the next performance, and I'll let you through!"

Deyulius pulled out a shinny piece of blue paper from his pocket and handed it to her.

"Go on, now! Stop wasting my time!" Alanda said and pushed them along. 

They were near the edge off the Region of Earth when it happened. Fiera had been complaining so immensely about not receiving a ticket herself, she was picking rather severely on Deyulius. She pushed him with surprising strength, and he went flying back against a large tree, and fell down into a rose bush below it. He screamed once and then fell quiet. Fiera, rather alarmed, ran to see what was wrong.

"What's going on?" she demanded worriedly.

She helped Deyulius out of the rose bush and saw his face was bloody from the oversized thorns. The fact that blood was also coming from his eyes didn't help either.

"Deyulius, are you okay?" she asked him, genuinely worried now.

"I…" he blinked a few times. "I can't see," he said in horror.

"Of course you can! This is just temporary, right?" she inquired of him, hoping it really was.

"Oh no! I'm blind!" he said realizing the thing she had just feared would be true.

"What are we going to do?" Fiera shrieked in panic. "How will I get you across the Region of Water of you can't see?"

"Is there a boat a ways further?" he asked nervously, wiping the blood from his face.

"I'll go see." She walked away adding under her breath "Because you can't."

Deyulius sat there alone and nervous for about two hours. He was wondering if Fiera had just dumped him off and wasn't coming back, but soon he heard the footsteps and voices of two people approaching him.

"Fiera has explained your situation to me. I will be glad to help." A voice he didn't recognize said.

"You'll be okay." Fiera said quickly. " This is Mareen, the Force of Water. She's going to help me get you across." Fiera said sounding worried.

Five minutes later, Deyulius didn't mind being blind. He was being fussed over by two beautiful women. Then he sat up. He'd never seen Mareen before. Was she beautiful too? She'd better be! He decided, and lay back down on whatever they had him on.

Not to long after that, they hit shore again, and found Windona waiting for them at the edge of the Region of Air. 

"Are you ready to cross over to Wrong Way?" she inquired. Fiera and Deyulius nodded. "Then follow me!" she turned on her heel and walked away.

"Where is she going?" Deyulius asked, who had just stopped bleeding.

"Here, take my hand." Fiera grabbed his and a rapid pulse of heat passed through him which was nice considering the cold wind, and they followed after her.

Soon they came to a stop. Mareen wasn't with them, Deyulius supposed, because he'd only heard three pairs of footsteps.

"Here we will have you cross over. Now, it is very important that you listen to what I have to say. Or, if you don't have the time, take this with you and read it there. Understood?" Windona asked. Fiera grabbed the paper quickly and shoved it in her pack.

"Now, My brother will come over first, and you must change into his clothes." She said to Deyulius. "Here he is now."

A sound of rippling came and the noise the wind made stopped for a small moment, then Deyulius heard the sound of more footsteps approaching them.

"Hello. My name is Liko. Will you be the one replacing me there?" He asked him.

"Uh, yes." Deyulius said dumbly.

"Well then, let us go and switch garments so the women will not see." 

They did so, and Deyulius did alright with Liko helping him. Then something miraculous happened: he sprouted wings.

"Now, put on my head piece and you'll be fine.

He did and found that he could see things.

"I'm not blind anymore!" he exclaimed.

"Yes, you are, the Mask allows your mind to see for you. Take a look at how different you seem."

Deyulius was handed a mirror and he gazed into it. He was wearing a brown feathery shirt, and green feather pants. He had a black sleeveless coat that was more just there for decoration then anything, and was trimmed in white feathers. His wings stuck through the back of the shirt and knee length coat.

Then there was the Mask, which he wore to show his royalty. It was both green and brown and had purple eyes where his should have been. It covered the top of his face and on the two top corners went up into some kind of wings that pointed straight up. 

"Wow." He said in surprise. If it hadn't been him, he would never have recognized himself.

"Now for a final touch." Said Liko, who was wearing the normal clothes he came in, he brought the costume by hand.

After a moment, Deyulius' hair was dreadlocked up with feathers hanging down.

"You're done!" Liko announced afterwards.

"Yeah." Deyulius felt nervous and so unlike himself, that he wasn't sure how to act. Happy? Stuck up? What? He walked back to Fiera and Windona, who were rather impressed on how he looked.

"So I guess we're ready now?" Fiera asked looking up at Deyulius, who was strangely taller then her suddenly. It must be he always was and never noticed, he thought. Either that or his white knee high boots did it.

The portal that Liko had come from opened up, and this time Deyulius could see it. 

"Good bye! And come back safely!" Windona called. Liko stood at her side waving. "Good luck!" He yelled to them. Deyulius waved back and stepped through. 

It was one of the most peculiar things Deyulius had ever felt, as if he had been reversed. He looked at Fiera who looked as uncomfortable as he did. Then they arrived out of limbo.

"Well," she said to him. "I guess we're here."

"I guess so." He replied looking up at a big sign that read:

WELCOME TO  
WRNG WY!

Chapter three

Wrong Way

It seemed to Dyls that in Wrng Wy they didn't spell names with vowels, though things were pronounced the same.

He turned to Fr who looked very annoyed at this concept and wanted to make it known. Then he remembered that here, she was going to have to be called Prmldgrd. Well, he thought. At least it set her apart.

As for himself, he was now called Msq Dyls. This was strange. And as for everything else! It was a mess! Trees were growing up side down along with every other plant, and all the roads led you back where you started from, unless that is, you walked backwards. He wasn't to keen on this, but as it happened, he seemed to be able to see where he was going. The mask must have helped with that. 

Prmldgrd stood up on her feet and said some things the Adult conspiracy would have disapproved of; it even worked that way here. For all he knew, it would let children in on everything instead of adults, if he even knew one existed.

He looked around him again, this time realizing that they were in the borders of the Regions of Air, and Earth.

"Well," he sighed to Prmldgrd, "I suppose we'd better find The Msq's of the Elements while we're here." He still thought that the word "Masque" was strange to use instead of "King."

Msq Dyls and Prmldgrd set of on their way to go and find whoever was incharge of the Region of Earth here. He sighed as they turned around and started walking. He found he had to instruct Prmldgrd where to step because his head ornament must have had some magic powers.

"And to think we're going to have to do this for a year." Prmldgrd mumbled.

"I find it rather interesting." Msq Dyls said cheerily.

"Yeah, well you can see. Huh, it's funny how someone who just became blind can see so well." She laughed bitterly, still feeling guilty about causing Dyls' condition.

They walked sometime in silence with Msq Dyls occasionally calling out "Rock," or "Dip," or "Car."

"Car!" Prmldgrd demanded. "What do you mean car? There are no cars on Xanth!"

"Yes, but we aren't on Xanth, are we?" he asked.

"No. Hey, when you say Xanth it still has vowels!" she said in shock. She tried thinking it. Xnth. "Nope, it must be the way it's pronounced." She decided.

"Whatever." Msq Dyls agreed off –handedly.

They went about until the came to the center of the Region of Earth, and there in the middle doing a little jig with the bunny rabbits was who they guessed was the Msq of the Region.

"Um, excuse me!" Msq Dyls called out to him, as they now were facing him normally.

"What are you doing in my forest?" the Msq of Earth suddenly roared in anger at them. Msq Dyls was rather taken aback. He had thought that everyone would be friendly here, as the Regions of Elements back on Xnth were very inpatient. He realized quickly that he was wrong.

"I am Masque Deyulius," he said as bravely as he could. "And this is my…. brother, Permildagard!" he made up.

"Brother?" she demanded in panic. 

"Shut up." He muttered from the corner of his mouth.

"I am the Masque of the Sky!" he said importantly, hoping to gain the praise of the other Msq. "And I have come to ask you to help us on our journey to the Remembering Garden!" he added after a pause. The other Msq stared at him blankly then burst into laughter.

"What is so funny!" Prmldgrd demanded angrily.

"How can we go to the Remembering Garden if the road that leads to it has a forgetful spell on it?" the other Msq hooted.

"Meaning?"

"No one remembers where the _Remembering _Garden is! You must have gone loopy sense the last time we've met!"

"Last time?" Msq Dyls was rather shocked. The Good Magician said that the Msqs had never net each other! What was going on?

"Boy are you stupid! You just came by here yesterday, asking me to do the same thing…. Though that brother of yours wasn't with you." He noted.

"What is your name?" Msq Dyls asked, deciding that if they became more casual on conversation, they might convince him to come with them.

"Hey, I just realized, we've never exchanged names before!" the other Msq said contemplatively. "I'm Mempresso. The Masque of the Earth." He said after a moment's consideration as to whether he should tell tem or not.

"Will you follow us in a walk around the forest as I explain why I need your help?" Msq Dyls inquired. Msq Mmprss seemed fascinated at the idea of walking along such a noble figure. He agreed. 

Msq Dyls was curious as to why he had suddenly changed his mind and came with them. He told him all he could about what was happening on the world, and Mmprss believed every word, naturally.

"Of course I'll help!" he said.

"You will?" Prmldgrd was flabbergasted. "But a minute ago you said you thought we were crazy."

"Yes, but now I don't mind." He said. Prmldgrd eyed Msq Dyls suspiciously and then smiled. 

"Oh, I get it." She said slyly. "Also I'm not him brother! I'm his servant, and I'm a girl!" she added quickly, but Msq Mmprss wasn't listening anymore.

"I'll take us to the next place over, the Region of Water," Msq Mmprss said cheerily.

"I was wondering why the Regions are spelled with vowel sounds." Msq Dyls asked him.

"Oh, that's because the places themselves are like a side place off Wrong Way. But as we live here, our names are only pronounced as if they had vowels, thought they don't." he explained. Then hesitated. "Didn't you know that?"

"Oh, of course!" Msq Dyls said hastily. "It just slipped my mind. For a moment. A small one."

"Oh." Msq Mmprss accepted this as if it were a normal thing in Wrng Wy.

They turned around and started walking out of the Region of Earth, and into Wrng Wy's Region of Fire.

"This place is wacky," he whispered to Prmldgrd, who nodded vigorously in agreement.

They soon came to the edge of the Region of Earth.

"I want to play." Msq Mmprss exclaimed impatiently. Msq Dyls was rather shocked, and then he finally got his first good look at him. 

He seemed to be a child really, maybe age nine at the least and eleven at the most. He was wearing a navy blue tunic, and deep purple pants. His head ornament was made up of iridescent leaves that like his own; he wore as a mask. He also had wings, to Msq Dyls' surprise, but they were made up of sky blue bare branches, that were also iridescent. He was maybe three and a half feet tall. Msq Dyls didn't know quite what to do.

"Uh, okay. We can play. What do you want to play?" he asked in confusion.

"I want to play tug-of-bore!" he said energetically. Msq Dyls wasn't sure he had the same supply of energy he did, but consented, in order to keep him happy.

"So how do you play this game?" he asked. "Do we each grab a boars leg and pull?"

"Not that kind of bore! Like being bored!" he said.

"Of course." He turned to Prmldgrd and shrugged.

"Boy Permildagard," Msq Mmprss said to her. "Your brother sure is stupid."

"I know, it's what makes him unique." She smiled.

"Now," Msq Mmprss said with a nod of agreement. "We will each ask each other questions that are interesting, and the other must answer the dullest thing that they can come up with. The first to fall asleep loses." 

Thinking of sleeping, Msq Dyls would be rather happy to play to lose, he was so tired.

"Okay, you can go first." He agreed.

So they sat down on two tree stumps and stared blankly at each other, and starting to drool. Msq Mmprss asked the most interesting question that came to him at the time.

"What is it like in the Region of Air?"

"Windy and cold. That's why I'm wearing thick clothes." He invented, guessing he was right.

"Oh." Mmprss seemed rather disappointed.

"What's your favorite food?" Dyls asked, hoping to get him going into an interesting explanation.

"Green beans."

"Ugh," Msq Dyls realized that _was _boring, not only that but gross.

"What's your favorite color?"

"Brown." He lied, guessing it wasn't against the rules.

"What is your favorite thing to do in the world?" Msq Dyls fired.

"Staring into space." Msq Mmprss returned.

They went on like that for hours and Msq Dyls realized even Prmldgrd was staring blankly and drooling.

It didn't seem to be getting anywhere, but Dyls realized that he wanted to fall asleep he was so bored. 

"Where were you born?"

"Somewhere. What's your dad's name?"

"Bob. What's your favorite grass type?"

"The type that grows slowly. What's your dog's name?"

"I never had a dog. What's your…."

And they continued on like that until midnight, when finally Msq Mmprss fell asleep. Rather jealous Msq Dyls decided that it was time he went to bed too. He laid down his head and fell fast asleep.

"GET OFF ME!" A voice cried in horror the next mourning, waking Msq Dyls from his sleep. He realized half-awake that the voice was talking to him. He looked up and saw that he was snuggled up closely to Prmldgrd. He quickly pushed himself away in embarrassment.

"What did you think you were doing?" she asked, her eyes bulging.

He shrugged weakly. "I, uh, just…I don't know."" He stammered.

"Gross!" cried Msq Mmprss.

"Oh, no, you see, Permildagard isn't related to me, or a boy at that matter. She's my…. Uh… She's my girlfriend." He invented hoping Mmprss would believe this new tale.

"Oh, of course! I knew that! Boy, she sure is pretty, do you think she'd go out with me?" Msq Mmprss asked eagerly.

"Uh, no, she's, uh, my girl." He said slowly patting his hand on her shoulder.

"Oh." Mmprss seemed a little down.

"Don't worry, I might dump him soon." Prmldgrd said starting to steam from embarrassment.

They turned around and started off again on their way into the Region of Water. Once there, Dyls pointed out something very important.

"Uh, how do we get across? Do we swim backwards?"

"No, we fly there and dive into the whirlpool." Mmprss said as if he should have guessed.

Great, He couldn't fly! Now what was he supposed to do.

"If I go into the water my feathers will be ruined. So Can you summon him up to this shallow place by the edge?" he asked.

"Cool! I'll do anything for you!" He quickly jumped up and flew away.

"He scares me when he says things like that." Msq Dyls noted to Prmldgrd, who laughed at him cruelly.

They stood there for half the day, wondering how far across the Region of Water was. Finally there came a ripple and the Msq of Water rose up with Mmprss.

"Here he is! I told him everything about the dark force on Wrong Way, and how we have to get to the Remembering Garden." The Msq of Earth declared proudly.

"My name is Aquarius, Masque of Water, you want me to help you on your journey of gathering all of the forces on Wrong Way?" the Msq of Water demanded.

"Yes?" Dyls said warily.

"Sure." He said suddenly warming up to him.

"Whoa, okay, if everyone is going to start acting this way about me, never mind. You're all scaring me…Except maybe you." He said pointing to Prmldgrd. 

"Why?" Msq Mmprss asked; excited he'd said he was frightened of the way he was acting.

"Because you're acting like I'm the greatest person on the world and you've only met me five minutes ago!" he declared.

"Well, do you want our help or not?" Msq Aqrs asked his hands on his hips.

"Yeah, let's go." Dyls said sighing in exasperation.

They set out on a boat that Msq Aqrs made appear toward the Region of Fire.

On the boat, Dyls and Aqrs were paddling with large oars. He suddenly realized that the Msq of Water was a dark blue color. That was obvious, he really needed to pay more attention to who he picked up. Or maybe, he realized, being blind only allowed him to register certain things about the people at a time. He wore a thin yellow cloak with a very high collar, and he wore an orange tunic, and light blue slacks. His mask was made up of orange fish spine bones. 

They climbed out of the boat an hour later and camped out again, it being to dark even among all the flames, for them to carry on.

That night it seemed a Night Mare came to Msq Dyls in his sleep. He dreamed of his hometown when he go back there, they came marching after him with torches and scowls on their faces. They screamed how hopeless and pathetic he was. They suddenly seized him, despite his protests and tied him to a post in the middle of the stage, they started dancing around him and sang a song, one he didn't remember, but in the end he was lit on fire and died. The most disturbing thing was that the show got top ratings.

He sat quickly up, hoping to forget the dream, but was pretty sure that after that, he might not want to go home again.

To be continued in Part 2 of Remembering a Garden


End file.
